


i'm fine (i'm afraid to tell you how bad it is)

by krykat



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Not K-Pop Idols, Anxiety, Depression, Feels, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insomnia, Insomniac Bang Chan, Mental Health Issues, Other, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Overthinking, Panic Attacks, Running Away, Scars, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, abit (ALOT) of projecting onto chan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-30
Updated: 2020-06-04
Packaged: 2020-06-05 08:10:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 3,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19416565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/krykat/pseuds/krykat
Summary: Chan tries. He really does. It's not enough though, to him at least. Especially to him. He either feels nothing or too much of everything. He deals with it alone. God forbid anybody else figure it out.Right?A story about coming to terms with your mental health issues, trying, opening up and hopefully being able to feel alright again one day. Short chapters.





	1. Okay

**Author's Note:**

> Stray Kids are college students living in an apartment together. They're roomed together like the dorm layout they have in real life.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When the late night demons get to you.

Chan feels empty. It’s 2am and he stares at the ceiling in the dark, listening to the breathing of Woojin and Felix, both sound asleep. He can’t sleep again. This is nothing new to him and he is used to it by now. Working on an hour or two of sleep. Or nothing at all. He knows the dull throb in his head and the heaviness of his eyes as old friends, the mind-numbing bleariness to his thoughts. The thoughts used to hurt a lot. Now it just makes him feel numb and cold, has he conditioned himself into it? Chan can’t bring himself to delve further into that train of thought.

Chan doesn’t want to feel nothing. He is human, he should be feeling things right? This isn’t normal. His smile doesn’t reach his eyes anymore and he can’t bring himself to shed any tears no matter how bad things get. This isn’t ok.

He squints through the darkness as he raises his arm towards his face. He can barely make out the lines.

“Tomorrow, in the shower. I’ll try again.” Chan thinks as he rolls onto his side, squeezing his eyes tightly to just try and get some rest, away from the encroaching chill that clutches his brain.

Anything to ground himself. Anything to feel normal. Anything. To make himself feel okay.


	2. Self-blame In Red

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chan fails a group project for one of his classes.

I could’ve done better. I could’ve done things this way. I could’ve not let everybody down. It’s my fault. It’s my fault it’s my fault I’m the one to blame. I’m better than this why couldn’t I have done it well. I’m such a failure. I’m useless, why am I still breathing. I should take a dive off the roof and-

“Channie-hyung. Hey, are you okay?”

Jisung shatters the state of mind. For now. 

“Hm? Yeah I’m fine Jisungie.” Chan turns to face the younger boy, who is all concerned eyes and chubby cheeks from the chocolate he’s stuffed into his mouth.

“You look really pale hyung, did you sleep at all last night?” Jisung questions further. 

“Not really,” Chan half-admits, knowing that the truth of him staying up all night studying and trying to ignore the itch in his arms would only make things worse. Chan wishes he didn’t care about assignments. Chan wishes he didn’t care about the numbers and the grades and the peer pressure. But he does. He cares to the point where he can feel the weight pressing into his shoulders and chest like he’s Atlas, holding the sky upon his shoulders. Or Prometheus, getting his liver eaten by an eagle for it to grow back everyday for the same thing to happen again.

Okay maybe that was a bit too morbid. Why did he even start comparing himself to Greek mythology, it didn’t even make sens-

“Hyung, you’re really spacing out here, you should really go take a nap or something,” Jisung interrupts Chan’s train of thought once again. 

“You’re right, it might help. I’ll see you back home then?” Chan says as he collects his things and prepares to go.

“Yeah hyung, please go rest,” Jisung replies, waving goodbye to Chan as they part ways.

Chan walks back to the apartment and tries not to think about the guilt he’s consumed with. Chan lies down in his bed and shuts his eyes, attempting to take a nap like he said he would and tries not to think about the disappointment. But he thinks about how he could’ve made things better. How it could’ve been perfect. Why did he always have to be the fuck-up and mess things up like always. It’s always his fault and it will forever be.

Chan gives up and goes to the bathroom, turning on the shower. He sets the heat on high, sheds his clothes and steps in.

The water runs down the shower stall drain in red. 


	3. Crumbling, Cracking, Tearing, Drowning, Dying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chan falls and falls.

Chan needs to finish that reflective essay on his report. He also needs to finish the arrangement for that song Seungmin wants to sing for the upcoming recital and try to bring up his grade for music theory, miserably failing his midterms due to literally passing out in the middle of the exam. And do his laundry, he’s running out of long-sleeved shirts and hoodies to wear.

Chan’s crumbling under the pressure, drowning in the rapidly rising waters he’s pushed himself into. 

Chan feels like he’s already dying when he hasn’t even tried to do so yet.

He has no reason to feel this way, he has a loving, amazing family and awesome friends and is working towards his dream in becoming a music producer by getting in and studying at this highly-acclaimed music/media/liberal arts university. 

  
  


So why does he feel like absolute shit?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things get worse before they get better.


	4. If They Ever Find Out: Run

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Changbin finds out by accident. Chan runs.

Chan is okay. Chan is fine. Chan is living. Right?

Chan is trying.

But Chan is tired.

His friends and flatmates are worried. Chan looks like death warmed over on the days he says he feels great and barely existing on the days he says he’s fine.

And then they find out. Changbin walks in on him in the midst of putting on one of the countless black hoodies he owns and sees everything. The dark and blurry edges of old, the raw baby pink of new and the swollen, angry red of fresh lines all over his arms and shoulders. 

Chan scrambles to quickly tug his hoodie down over every inch of skin he’s exposed Changbin to for the past two seconds, cursing under his breath while Changbin struggles to say anything as tears pool in the smaller boy’s eyes.

Changbin only has the chance to choke out a “Hyung, why?” before Chan grabs his bag and makes a run for it out of the apartment. 

Chan is nowhere to be seen by any of his 9 friends and flatmates for the next 2 weeks.

Changbin barely says anything for 2 weeks.


	5. The Safety Bubble

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chan's kind of seemingly okay and stable for now.

BamBam and Yugyeom don’t question why Chan shows up at their apartment close to tears on a Tuesday morning.

They don’t talk anymore about the incident back in highschool.

So Chan borrows their clothes and sleeps in their guest bedroom. He hands BamBam some cash to get him sleeping pills and crashes for the next three days after taking a number close to overdosing.

Chan wakes up on Friday night in a bed that’s not his own. He remembers how and why he ended up here.

BamBam and Yugyeom tell him it’s ok and he can stay and eat all their food as long as he wants to. (They don’t tell him about Changbin knocking on their door asking if they know where he is.)

So Chan stays and writes music on his laptop. He watches crappy television shows with BamBam at midnight and dances with Yugyeom in the taller man’s private studio in tank tops that don’t leave anything covered.

Chan doesn’t think about shiny metal objects and doesn’t touch his phone for the rest of the time he stays with his old friends. 

And Chan tries not to think about the look on Changbin’s face when he saw everything or how the rest of his friends would be worried over his disappearance. He tries not to think about the classes he’s skipping and the assignments that are piling up.

It lingers in the back of his mind though. He knows he’ll have to go back sooner or later. But he’d like to stay in this safe little bubble for a bit more time.


	6. Found and Trapped

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chan has to face the music. (pun not intended. if there is any)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once upon a time, Chan was happy. He had everything he could possibly want. A happy family, good friends, life was well.
> 
> It still is, nothing has changed. Except that Chan is dying slowly. From the inside out.
> 
> And he doesn’t know how to stop it.

In another universe, Chan wouldn’t have left the safety of BamBam and Yugyeom. Or he’d already be dead by his own hand. Either of the two choices sounded pretty appealing to him.

He goes back to school to pass his classes for the semester. He keeps to himself and doesn’t speak to anyone unless spoken to first. 

Chan honestly didn’t want to go back, but he felt bad for staying over too long with BamBam and Yugyeom spending all their food and money on him. As well as encroaching on their privacy.

With him sharing so many of the same classes as the rest of his friends, he couldn’t avoid them. He tries though, running out once a lecture ends before they can approach him and only going back to the apartment to sleep at impossible hours. 

Woojin catches up to him though, after class on the third day of Chan’s mission in just trying to goddamn survive.

“Chan, what’s going on? Is everything alright?”

Chan can’t breathe. He’s trapped underwater and he can’t breathe and he can’t look Woojin in the eye. Chan can’t speak and now Woojin will definitely know something’s wrong and  _ know  _ Chan isn’t okay. That he’s a fucking faillure and can’t function like a normal human being all because everything’s wrong with him and he’s an absolute idiotic person who’s just a waste of space that depends on others for help and all he ever does is run and avoid his problems while breaking down and hurting himself so he can think and feel okay again which is not okay at the same time because-

“Chan? Breathe with me. Everything’s okay.” Woojin holds Chan’s hands while Chan shakes and trembles, tears in his eyes and a huge lump in his throat.

“Is it okay if I take you back home?” Woojin asks gently.

Chan can’t escape Woojin now. So he nods. Still shaky, and very much terrified of the conversation he will most inevitably have with Woojin and everyone else.


	7. Tea with Tears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Woojin tries to talk to Chan. Chan tries to talk to Woojin. But he can't.

Chan takes a deep breath, the ends of his hoodie sleeves clutched in his hands like paws as they curl around a steaming mug of tea Woojin made. They sit across from each other at the dining table of the surprisingly empty and quiet apartment, everybody else out and about in classes or doing their own things. Woojin is quiet, waiting for Chan to speak as he patiently sips on his own respective mug of tea. 

Chan doesn’t know where to begin but he does anyway, trying to make sense of the things coming out of his mouth for Woojin to understand, attempting to put his feelings into words. He downplays the things he’s done and skips over the destructive bits of the story he tells. “Woojin wouldn’t be able to handle knowing any of that, I can’t bother him with my things,” he thinks. So he skims over the bloody bits and tries to enunciate the rest.

Woojin sits and listens, doesn’t interrupt Chan’s outpour of reasonings and stumblings through trying to explain what’s been going on with himself. Woojin can pretty much start to see the picture clearer, fitting the puzzle pieces together. But there are pieces still missing. Like why did Chan decide to suddenly stay with BamBam and Yugyeom for so long, and why Chan refuses to face anybody and why Changbin skips meals and refuses to talk about Chan after his disappearance. Nothing seems right. Woojin sees some sort of picture coming together but it’s still blurry, torn at the edges, not it’s full story.

Woojin doesn’t feel right prying and interrogating Chan when he clearly isn’t okay with it. But there’s nothing much else he can do right? Except directly ask.

“Chan, why did u decide to stay with them for two weeks and not tell any of us about it? And why so suddenly?”

Chan doesn’t know how to answer without giving it all away. He can’t let Woojin know. He can’t let any of them know.  _ Why not though? What’s stopping you? _

So Chan just sits there and keeps his mouth shut. He drinks his tea quietly and lets the tense silence envelope him and Woojin around the dining table with their mugs of tea. He doesn’t bother keeping track of how long they both keep quiet as they drink their tea. Chan refuses to look up directly at Woojin.

Woojin has finished his tea and looks across to Chan, the other boy’s hands tense and knuckles white from gripping onto his mug too tightly as he looks down into his drink. Woojin wonders what happened to his cheery, kind, selfless friend. Woojin holds back a sigh as he gets up and puts his mug in the sink. 

“You know you can always come and talk to me right? Come and do so when you feel ready okay?” Woojin says before he walks away from Chan, out of the kitchen and into his room.

As Woojin’s footsteps fade away into the distance, Chan’s tears fall into his tea.

“I’m sorry, I can never seem to talk.” Chan mumbles.


	8. Should I continue this?

Hi to anybody who keeps up with this fic. I'm not sure if I should continue with how it's going right now. I feel like rewriting everything from the beginning and trying to make the story better. I'm still going to include Woojin because he's still a very important part of Stray Kids to me. It will forever be nine or none in my heart.

So to anyone that likes this fic...should I continue writing it? Should rewrite it? Or should I abandon it? Please let me know what you think by commenting, would love to hear what readers think of this story :)


	9. Excerpts from Chan's Notebook

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Little things written in Chan's notebook. He writes to himself alot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi I'm so sorry for not updating in forever TT  
> I've kinda hit a writer's block being buried in college work and my own mental/emotional health issues.... I promise I'll eventually write a proper chapter and post it :(  
> These are little blurbs I've pieced together for now that I think would shed more light into how Chan feels and thinks in my story. Alot of angsty haikus and ranting hahaha

I know you’re tired. Not just any kind of tired. You’re tired of life. I know you think that you’re just being immature and throwing some sort of temper tantrum but you KNOW you’re suicidal. Face it. You can’t go a day without thinking of death. Of hurting yourself. And you just simply throw up this act in front of everyone you know and love to show that everything’s fine when in actual fact, everything’s not. That’s a real bitch move. And you don’t even have the decency to cry when you breakdown. Are you even real? You’re really something huh. Why do you try so hard? You’re so bad you’ve locked yourself in the bathroom alone because you just can’t fucking sleep. Why are you so bad? Why are you still living? You suck. Honestly. Go, continue your breakdown. When someone finds you and you actually shed tears this time, try and find an excuse this time. Stupid boy. You can’t sit yourself in here for the rest of the night. You know yourself and your easily restless mind. And that’s if nobody wakes up and finds you making a mess all over the bathroom tiles.

Actually, why do you hate yourself so much? Why do you have zero self-worth? Why do you want to die? Because I’m not worth anything essentially. I am a waste of space. I am a horrible human being. I hurt people without meaning to. I don’t know how to live. I die little by little everyday inside. Can you do anything to fix this? How long has it been since I’ve locked myself in here? How much time has passed?

* * *

My mind betrays me

The bad monsters are stuck here

The sleeves hide the wounds

* * *

I am so tired

That is what I always say

I’m tired of life

* * *

How are you today?

These thoughts won’t stop. Make it stop

I am fine, thank you

* * *

Do you want to leave?

No. I’ll have to face the world

Yes, I’m dying here

* * *

Any questions here?

Why do you have brain problems?

I don’t know. Help me

* * *

I want to be free

There is nothing left for me

So can I leave please?


	10. I'm Sorry I'm Discontinuing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My explanation to discontinuing.

I think there needs to be an explanation to why I haven’t updated in so long as well as why I don’t think I’ll ever be properly finishing the story.

Here’s to over-sharing on the internet but this story….is like 90% real and 5% fictional. Alot of what I wrote about Chan, how he thought and felt and hurt and struggled. This story was my outlet and my way of just a feeble attempt into describing my issues. When I tried to admit I even had problems, I couldn’t bring myself to do it, thus I detached myself from it and wrote it down in the form of someone else going through them.

And it was Chan. 

Stray Kids’ music quite literally dragged my wanna-be dead body into a shitty excuse of trying to want to live. Chan’s weekly vlives were the only thing that kept me alive at times. Because I needed to listen to the advice he gave and the comfort he exuded. Those couple hours seeing him talk to fans every week was my safe space from my demons.

A big issue I had writing this fic was that I wanted the story to end happily. That Chan would slowly get better with the help of all his friends, time and therapy. I also wanted it to be realistic that he may relapse but his support system would still be there for him.

When in reality I was writing about having a good support system because back then I didn’t have one and also didn’t know how to bring myself to write about Chan getting better since I honestly thought I would never get better. I couldn’t write about him getting better when I didn’t know how to get better.

I’m not better at all as of the time I’m writing this. But I’ve had some improvements since my last update to this fic. For one, I did end up finding a support system and I found a couple more things that I should live for. I have a thing about not wanting to depend on others and always feeling like I’ll be burdening them but I’m working on it. My blood-related family don’t know jackshit about any of this (or maybe they do but refuse to acknowledge all this stuff oops-) but the friends I would gladly call family are here for me and I’m honestly so grateful for it. I’m gonna get actual therapy somehow by the end of this year too.

Thank you so much to those who have read this fic and somehow enjoyed it even though it’s a pile of crap. I’m so sorry I won’t be continuing or re-writing. If you were reading this fic because you’re hurting as well, I hope that this somehow comforts you. I know it’s difficult but take however much time you need and just talk to someone. Goddamn write it down like I did and broadcast it on a fucking fanfic site. Just vent. I promise you sooner or later that you’ll find something to last even just one more day. I may not know you and these are just words on your screen but please know that I empathize with you and care for you enough that I want you to stay. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They probably won’t see this since they don’t read skz fanfics but thank you to stray kids, (not giving away names) my best friends E***, Z**, P****, N*****, J***, X** H*** and former best friend now turned boyfriend B*****. You make me stay. I love you all.


End file.
